Monday, April 13, 2009

"Scientifically" Measuring the Avery Effect

Sean Avery. The very mention of his name makes Marty Brodeur annoyed, Dion Phanuef jealous and every Dallas Stars fan convulse in fits of rage until a nurse can properly administer a dose of morphine.

The chance for Sean Avery to do something outrageous this postseason is high, but just how much damage will Avery cause to any one team?

To better help fans gauge and understand Sean Avery's antics, we developed a damage measurement system that clearly outlines when a player or team has been “Avery’d.”

Never before has Sean Avery been put under a microscope for the benefit of sports science, but thanks to the slave-labor hard-working staff at Capitals Kremlin we now have the A.E.S.

The Avery Effect Scale (AES) will accurately gauge the damage caused by an Avery attack in your city on a scale of one to five. The AES number is compiled by determining the severity of numerous events that occur before, during and after a game.

There are many factors that we could list, but instead, we have this handy outline of what each Avery category usually consists of.

Category One Avery: Team is unfettered by Avery’s antics. Avery is ineffective on the scoresheet and in the minds of opposing players. Fans are mocking his lame attempts to goad players into fights and minors, and his own teammates are embarrassed to be near him. Avery is not talking trash.

Category Two Avery: Minor role players are targeted and annoyed. Avery is backing down from confrontations with bigger players. Analysts are commenting on Avery’s amount of “energy,” and Avery is on the scoresheet. Fans are annoyed, but they are far from ready to cry foul. Avery is making snide remarks that are dismissed as “nothing.” Fans are doubting that Avery is going to be a factor in the series.

Category Three Avery: Star players are somewhat annoyed. Role players are frequently goaded into bad penalties. Avery has scored a key goal. Avery is hanging around the crease far too often. Avery is barking at your players from the bench and his post game comments boarder on “jerk” to “douche bag.” Analysts won’t shut up about how great a pest he is. Fans are complaining but believe their enforcers will "handle the situation."

Category Four Avery: Star players are visibly annoyed with Avery. Avery is on the scoresheet more than once and may or may not have been the key player in the game. Enforcer players are useless as Avery is turtling and finding ways out of physical altercations. The goalie is now annoyed, and Avery is in his crease 24/7. Before the game, Avery has made a cryptic attack at a player on your team. Don Cherry has mentioned he is “unhappy” with Avery. After the game, Avery is swarmed by media and in the lead of any game story. Gary Bettman is worried. There is a possible new rule in the making. Fans are on message boards and blogs crying foul and booing Avery every time he touches the puck.

Category Five Avery: Hell on ice. Avery is the game's first star. Star players are useless as Avery’s douche-baggery has stunted their production completely. Goalie is being screened, hit, and constantly throwing fits to referees. Analysts are disgusted over Avery. Avery is the lead story on "Hockey Night in Canada,” and Don Cherry’s suit reflects the seriousness of the rant. Gary Bettman is scrambling to create a new rule. Fans are slitting wrists in stands while bringing signs depicting Avery as Meryl Streep from "The Devil Wears Prada." Women’s rights groups are picketing Rangers games. Sean Avery's name is one step closer to being on the Stanley Cup.

As you can see, the Avery effect is no laughing matter. Just ask the denizens of Dallas, whose team was left in a smoking, smoldering heap of failure and disappointment.

We’ll keep you updated here at CK after each game to determine the severity of each Avery attack. Remember to board up your windows, lock up your daughters and if your pet senses danger, believe it. Pets have a natural ability to detect Avery attacks long before the local douche bag weather machine detects them.

Goodnight and good luck.


  1. Good lord, that is funny. Are you really going to asses each game and choose the category?

  2. "Fans are slitting wrists in stands while bringing signs depicting Avery as Meryl Streep from the "Devil Wears Prada." Women’s rights groups are picketing Rangers games."

    is it sad that I believe this might actually happen?

  3. "lock up your daughters" ... and their next boyfriend

  4. This is full of win.

  5. I would punch Sean Avery in the grundel repeatedly for juts being Sean Avery. And his resemblance to Jeff Garcia.

  6. Don Cherry’s suit reflects the seriousness of the rantThat's amazing.


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